


Dear Stevie,

by Erosanderis



Category: Captain America - All Media Types
Genre: 1940s Bucky Barnes, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Has Issues, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes Remembers, Canon Compliant, Childhood Friends, Letters, M/M, POV Bucky Barnes, Period-Typical Homophobia, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Winter Soldier Bucky Barnes, kind of
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-09
Updated: 2021-02-10
Packaged: 2021-03-15 20:40:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29320287
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Erosanderis/pseuds/Erosanderis
Summary: Ever since he was 14, Bucky has been writing letters to Steve that he has no intention of sending. In these letters, he confesses his true feelings about Steve and the events occurring around them.~~~~~~A compilation of both the letters Bucky writes to Steve and the events that sparked each letter to be written.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Kudos: 9





	1. April 5, 1931

**Author's Note:**

> Hello lovelies, 
> 
> I’m kind of on a roll with writing these letters, so as of right now that plan is to update weekly. I hope you enjoy this story as much as I enjoyed writing it. 
> 
> Xoxo  
> Kit

Dear Stevie, 

I really hope that you never read this letter, because if you do I know you will hate me. I have a secret that I wish I could tell you, but I can’t. 

I know that you always stand up and fight for the little guy, but if I tell you then you’re going to fight me. You’re going to sock me right in the nose and no one would fault you for it. Hey, maybe picking on me will help you make some new friends. Tell all the neighborhood kids that you didn’t know and that you were going to beat it out of me. 

Oh, I should probably tell you what you’re going to beat me up for. If you can’t tell, I’m trying to put it off for as long as I can. I’ve never said it out loud to anyone before, nor have I written it down. Doing either of those things feels so permanent. If I do either of those there is no taking it back. 

Okay pal, here goes nothing. 

I’m queer. 

There, I said it. Well, wrote it. 

It feels so good to finally tell you Stevie. I feel like I’ve known for a long time, but I wasn’t ready to admit it to myself. 

Obviously I’m not going to tell anyone. I’m not going to go out with any fellas. I’ll take as many dames from our school out as I can. I’ll become a real ladies man. I’ll find a pretty wife and settle down with a few kids. I’ll fit in. I’ll be normal just like you. No one will ever suspect a thing. I’ll get to live a safe and happy life. 

My biggest fear, now that I’ve admitted this to myself is that everyone around me will somehow be able to see it. Like somehow saying to yourself “I’m queer” will make you act it.

I’m going to try my hardest to act like all the other boys. I’ll talk about how pretty girls are. I’ll take them out on dates. I’ve even picked out the first girl I’m going to take out. It’s Susanne Kennedy. She seems like a sweet girl and Becca is friends with her little sister. I think she’s pretty. She has a cute bottom nose and pretty blue eyes. Even if she has red hair and I’ve always prefered blondes. 

So Stevie, I know you will never read this because I’m going to hide it away once I finish, but I still hope you wouldn’t hate me for this. 

You’ve always been my best pal, and I hope it gets to stay that way. 

Till the end of the line, right? 

Your Pal,   
Bucky


	2. 1931 Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello lovelies, 
> 
> I’m back again with another chapter! This one isn’t a letter, but the events that will inspire the letter I’ll be posting about three seconds after I post this chapter. The general set up of the story will be one chapter with a story and a letter to follow. 
> 
> Also the 24 chapters is not set in stone, but I’ve already got about 12 chapters planned out and I still haven’t left the 1930’s so there is a good chance it will be more. 
> 
> I hope you all like this chapter! 
> 
> Xoxo  
> Kit

The moment Bucky finished writing the letter he felt panic start to rise in his chest. Maybe the idea of storing the letter was a bad idea. Maybe he should just toss it in the fireplace and watch his possibly life ruining confession burn to ashes. 

But for some reason he couldn’t. There was something that made him want to keep the letter locked away for the future. What if one day he wanted to look back on the letters and reminisce about this time in his life. Maybe one day he would actually show the letters to Steve. Maybe one day it would even be okay for him to feel the way he does and he can live out and proud instead of burying everything he felt into the deepest, darkest corners of his mind that no one could ever get to. 

That was mostly wishful thinking on his part. He knew that there would never be a day any time soon when he would be safe enough to talk about who he is. He heard the way that his father talked about the fairies who were arrested for selling themselves at the docks and the ones who were beaten to a pulp in the streets. He would talk about how they got what they deserved for being perverts. The boys at school talked in a similar way. He had never heard Steve talk like that, but he had to be at least thinking it. 

Bucky went to his closet and pulled out the lockbox from under the floorboards. When it was unlocked he placed the folded letter into it, setting it on top of his favorite photographs of himself and Steve. 

A week before Bucky’s eleventh birthday, his father got a Leica camera. Bucky thought it was the most amazing thing he had ever seen. Most of the cameras he has seen before were so big and bulky, and they all had to be put on stands. But the camera his dad bought was small enough to fit into his mom's purse. If it wasn’t so expensive, he would have tried to take it apart and put it back together again just to learn how it worked. 

He asked his father if he could take a picture of him and Steve on his birthday. He knew exactly how he wanted to take it too. He spent the entire morning setting up the perfect backdrop for the photograph. He organized the kitchen table just so. He made sure that everything in the background was set up just right so that nothing would take away from the picture of him and Steve. When the time came to take the picture, Bucky meticulously placed his birthday cake on the table. He wrapped his arm around Steve’s shoulder, pulling his best friend in close. They were both smiling so brightly, Bucky could see the joy radiating off them. 

The next two photographs were from that summer. Their moms decided that it would be a fun idea to take the two of them to Coney Island for Steve's birthday. The boys spent the whole day running around the park going on as many rides as they could and eating as much candy as their mothers would buy. 

The first of the two from that day was the two of them sitting on a bench eating Nathan’s hot dogs, which seemed like an excellent idea at the time. They were both looking at the camera, cheeks puffed out because they took the biggest bites they could. 

The second from that day was moments before disaster struck. The photograph was of the two of them in front of the cyclone. Bucky had his arm wrapped around Steve’s shoulders just like always. Even in the tiny picture, Bucky could see the excitement in Steve’s eyes at finally being able to ride the coaster. If only he knew that ten minutes later he would have his face in a garbage bin throwing up all the junk food he had eaten that day, with Bucky reassuringly rubbing his back. Despite how it ended, it’s still one of Bucky’s favorite memories. 

The last picture was the most recent. It was taken the previous Christmas Day. Since it was just the two of them, Steve and his mom always came over to the Barnes house. The two families would get together around lunch time and have a big holiday meal together. Between lunch and desert they would exchange small gifts. Steve got Bucky a new jar of his favorite pomade and Bucky got him a new sketchbook and some charcoal to draw with. 

When he opened it, Steve’s eyes lit up and he immediately asked Bucky to model for him. Bucky sat on the couch in the most ridiculous position he could be in, making Steve laugh. Steve sat with his legs crossed on the floor and the sketchbook in his lap. The photograph was taken from behind Steve on the perfect angle to see his profile, what he was drawing, and Bucky sitting on the couch. 

He smiled to himself, thinking about all those happy memories of him with Steve. He knew that he would cherish those memories and photos forever, as well as his friendship with Steve. He hoped that Steve never found the box or the letters so that nothing would change between them.

§§§§

A week and a half after he wrote his letter to Steve, Bucky decided to bite the bullet and ask Susanne Kennedy out on a date. He walked over to where she and her friends were hanging out before school and asked if she wanted to go out with her on Saturday. When she said yes, Bucky found himself disappointed. There was a small part of him that hoped she would say no. But that didn’t stop him from bragging about it to Steve. 

“Hey Stevie, guess what?” Bucky asked when the pair met up at the end of the school day. 

“What?” 

“I’ve got a date with Susanne Kennedy on Saturday,” Bucky said with his cockiest smirk, fully playing into the ladies man he knew he had to become. 

Steve’s eyes widened with shock. “Really?” He asked, something a little off in his voice. 

Instead of thinking too much about it, Bucky carried on. “Yup. I asked her this mornin’ before school and she said yes. I was thinkin’ about takin’ her for a walk at prospect park. Maybe treat her to an ice cream. Who knows, maybe I’ll even get a kiss at the end of it.” 

Bucky felt weird talking about Susanne like that. She was a sweet girl, but this was how boys his age were supposed to talk to each other when they got dates. 

“Wow Buck, that sounds great. I bet she will like that. I hope you two have fun.” 

“Thanks pal,” Bucky said, lightly punching Steve in the arm. 

For the rest of the walk home, Steve was acting off. He wasn’t his usual, talkative self and he wore a sullen look on his face. Bucky thought maybe he had a little crush on Susanne and was upset that Bucky was going on a date with her and not him. That was the only thing that made sense. 

When they got to Steve’s building, they awkwardly parted ways. Steve mumbled a goodbye before walking inside. Bucky, stunned by that, walked home thinking about his date with Susanne in two days, hoping things with Steve would be okay by then. 

§§§§

“You look beautiful doll,” Bucky said to Susanne when she walked out of her house. 

“Thank you James,” She said, a blush rising to her cheeks. It took all of his willpower not to cringe at her use of his first name. 

He offered her his elbow, which she quickly wrapped her hand around. The pair made small talk as they walked to the park. They covered the basics from how they were doing in school to how their families were. By the time they made it to the park, Susanne was going on about how her mom was teaching her and her sisters embroidery. 

Bucky tried his best to pay attention, he really did, but it was just so dull. He didn’t care about all the different types of thread and how each one made it look different or all the different types of stitches. The only time he found himself making a comment on it was when she said something about poking her fingers a lot. He offered her sympathy, then let her continue to ramble. 

He found his mind wandering to Steve as she spoke, wondering how his nimble artist's fingers would do with embroidery. Buvky though that Steve would be able to make the most beautiful designs. Hell, he might even be able to pay attention and learn something if Steve was teaching him. 

Eventually they found an ice cream stand and he bought them both a cone, vanilla for him and strawberry for her. They sat on a park bench and ate in comfortable silence. 

By the time they finished their cones it was starting to get late. They got up, walking hand in hand to the exit of the park. The pair held hands the entire walk back to Susanne’s building. 

“I had fun today,” she told him when he walked her to her front door. 

“I did too. I was hoping maybe you would let me take you out again?” He asked before his brain could even process what he was saying. 

“I’d like that very much,” she replied with a soft smile. 

Before Bucky could say anything back, Susanne leaned in and placed a chaste kiss on his lips. It only lasted a second or two, but when she pulled away they were both blushing. 

“Well,” she started, “I’ll see you Monday?” 

“See you Monday,” he agreed, nodding dumbly. 

Once she was inside, he turned to walk home. He couldn’t stop thinking about when she kissed him. Whenever Bucky heard the boys at school talking about their first kiss they would talk about feeling fireworks when their lips touched. They would wax poetic about how soft a dame's lips are and how nice they feel against their own. 

Bucky felt none of that. Yeah her lips were soft, but that was the only thing they seemed to have gotten right. There was no magical spark between them. It was just a press of lips together. It was nothing special at all. Maybe all those boys were lying and no one wants to be the one to admit they felt nothing, but Bucky knew he wouldn’t. 

By the time he made it back to his apartment, Bucky had mentally made a plan to go over to Steve’s the next day and tell him all out the date. He would tell him all about how he kissed her and how he was going to see her again, even though he really didn’t want to. It’s what he had to do though, to keep his secret. 

For now though, Bucky planned to sit in his room and write another letter to Steve to tell him how he really felt about the date. 

  
  



	3. April 27, 1931

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello lovelies, 
> 
> Told you this would be up in like three seconds! 
> 
> I hope you like it 
> 
> Xoxo   
> Kit

Dear Stevie, 

I just got back from my date with Susanne Kennedy and I need to write to you about it. She’s a sweet girl, don’t get me wrong, but I just didn’t feel anything with her. Honestly, I’m not even sure if she and I would be friends. 

I barely have a penny to my name, so I thought it would be fun to take her to prospect park. I figured we would walk around the park, I would treat her to some ice cream and it would be a grand old time. And we did do all of that. But the problem is, she was no fun to talk to. We hardly had any of the same interests. All she wanted to talk about was how her mom was teaching her and her little sisters how to embroider garments. 

Have you ever listened to someone talk about embroidering, Stevie? I doubt it, because it’s one of the most boring topics ever! How many different ways can there be to put a needle through a piece of cloth, and why do I need to hear about them. 

It’s not like when you talk about your art, Stevie. I could listen to you go on forever about how cool the renaissance was and how all the artists painted things. I could sit and watch you sketch for hours. 

Maybe one day you and I can go to an art museum together. That could be a fun thing to do together. You could bring your sketchbook and you could use the statues as models. I know how much you like drawing people. 

I could never even imagine going to an embroidery museum. That sounds so dull. What would even be in there? A bunch of ancient needles made out of bones or something weird like that. I would hate that. 

Boring date aside, I did end up kissing her at the end of the date. It was just a little peck on the lips, but it wasn’t that good. Based on how some guys talk, you would think kissing a girl is the most amazing thing in the world. I didn’t feel that at all. 

I still asked her to go on another date with me though. I have to keep playing the part, you know. 

Hopefully this whole dating girls thing gets easier. 

Your Pal,   
Bucky.

**Author's Note:**

> Howdy, 
> 
> Thanks for reading! 
> 
> As always, comments and kudos are very much loved and appreciated. 
> 
> Feel free to follow me on twitter for updates @ erosanderis
> 
> -Kit


End file.
